The fog

I have S.A.D. (a somewhat little sister to bipolar I discovered recently), with fairly predictable episodes. I'm flying in summer and I'm useless in winter, each year just a little worse than the last. I take on phenomenal amounts of activities in summer cause I know I won't be able to do them in about 5 months time and all I'll have the energy for is waking up and breathing!

I've had it for 28 years this year, diagnosed 19 years ago (first by me reading a magazine article, then by 2 doctors which is the requirement in Australia), which means I've had time to see the patterns develop. It always starts with the fog.

I don't know if the fog is mental or emotional. All I know is I'm going along fine, doing all these mad, wonderful things I feel passionate about, full of life and loving it and then it all stops. This sort of fog starts to cloud over my mind, very insidiously to start with and I find I just don't feel like doing anything pretty much. I have quite a few things I need to do and I just can't seem to get started.

Then I start to lose the passion. My interest starts to diminish. I become frozen in a sort of mental/emotional way. I find myself sitting at my computer for hours on end instead of getting ready for work, because this takes me to a fantasy world, a world where I don't have to worry about meeting deadlines or even bothering to shower! I find myself tired all the time, but unable to sleep at night (like now). I start to buckle under stress at work that only a week before didn't bother me.

The fog grows denser and I find I have no affect - no emotion at all and I'm just going through the motions of a supposed life. All my ambitions and creative drive goes back into the box in the attic of my mind, to rest for another year. I'm 41 and I can't hold down a decent career because I'm pretty useless for 2 months of the year and almost useless for at least another 1 each side of those. And the fog grows denser.

Eventually, I have to get pills in order to just be able to get up in the morning. I have no emotion but a shit load of tears to shed. I can't go out because I'm scared of people and I become this frightened little girl in a big, scary city. Just going 5 minutes away, to buy 2 things and come back has me in tears because of all the energy it requires to put on the social mask.

I can have good years, but this isn't one of them. Summer in Australia is from December to the end of Feb. I used to be able to go until August before I needed pills to cope. That's the end of winter here. But it does depend on what the weather is doing. This summer we've had hot, but very rainy, grey days and its now week 3 of the new year and I'm needing my pills just to get by. The fog has started swirling already.

The worst part is I am aware of what I'm about to lose for another year. I know the signs of what to expect, so I know its starting. I've just developed new interests, a new career direction that I'm eager to get going on and now its all going away. I just don't have the energy now to cope with working all day and working on these new interests at night. I wanted to take up belly dancing this year, but before I start, I've already let it slip because I know that's just too much pressure to put on myself.

I only get to be the real me, to be my full potential for maybe 4 months of the year. The person who pulls silly faces, who sings in childish voice, the person who is larger than life. The rest of the time, I'm just the shell, the personality goes on hold. That is what I miss. That is what I hate. That I have so many dreams, so much I want to achieve and it has to take me 4 years to do what others do in 1.

For me I think, the lesson is definitely in learning to let go.

*Hugs* Thank you for sharing your story.
I can empathise with you on the lack of energy and the fog and being just totally sapped.

I've not got SAD but fibromyalgia. I've heard of these special lamps you can buy for SAD I'm not sure if they work or not they are supposed to imitate daylight.

Will keep you in my thoughts justme

Love and Hugs
Aleia

Hi Aleia,

yes, the lights are supposed to work. I'm actually going to get one this year, but have to look into it a bit. They cost around $200-300 so not a cheap option, but if it works....

*HUGE HUGS* Justme, I know the exact thing that you're talking about here. It's the cyclical nature of these disorders. Mine is similar in ways.

That fog is definitely the end-all 'sign' that the cycle is beginning again. Sometimes, what is worse, is how we 'punish' ourselves or feel even worse if we start the cycle early. As you said...feeling as though now it's come on so quickly whereas you used to go almost the entire winter through...

The thing that I have to do to get through the fog is just to force myself to do something 'new'. It's probably the hardest thing that I have had to learn. The meds can help, but in the end, it's all down to motivation.

That can be damn hard and nearly impossible, but it's doable.

What I do...is to lay down everything that I'm working on. I don't care what it is. Then do something new. Just whatever you can find that half-ass interests you. Make a scrapbook page...color an entire picture. Something childish even...play-dough...go and buy a Barbie doll or a toy and play with it for the entire day. I'm serious.

Do this every other day. Interchange this with your 'normal' activities at a very slow pace...don't dive back into everything full-out...just a bit at a time.

I did have one good therapist who encouraged me to 'play'. It's not an escapist mechanism but a momentary distraction. What it does (in my opinion) is that it disrupts that dread in knowing what we are going through...it disrupts the thought process and gives us something pure and new to focus on. That's why I mentioned the toys.

The light is a good idea...it may well be worth the cost because I've heard amazing things about it.

I don't know if my suggestions helped or not, but they have worked for me over the years. Not every time, but 6/10 is pretty good. *HUGS*

It could also be that playing with toys takes us back to our childhood, when play was fun but also an escape from reality for those who had bad childhoods. Interesting idea.

I started back on the anti-depressants today, just a half one for a week or so, to let my body get used to it again. And I'm getting the lightbox *sigh* its almost $700AUD but worth it in my book.

I'm unable to take up new interests when it all starts as all I have the energy to do is what is essential. Then its pretty much couch-warming for hours and hours. This year, I will be continuing work upto 3 days a week, as I need the money to pay debts, so I will have 4 days to veg out and rest up. Hopefully, with everything combined I'll make it through pretty intact.

*HUGE HUGS* Good luck on it all. Please keep us informed.

Sometimes...just vegging out and sleeping for days is what you need. I think of how to the body repair itself during rest...and I also think that the mind can, too.

What MJ said has a lot of relevance. I went to Art Therapy over a period of about 9 months and I have to say that the most benefiicial thing I got out of it was re - learning how to play.

I didn't have the kind of childhood where I could play freely (that's a whole other topic) and being able to do just that was such a relief to the mind.

Wow dethas, same here. I was made to 'mother' my mother because of her own choice in relationships. I ended up spending all my time staying in my room reading and escaping into Enid Blyton books. Loved the Far away tree adventures! I also ended up spending a lot of play time on my own because other children didn't like the games I did, they tended to be quite sexual in nature, due to sexual abuse at a young age. So much less stress when you're on your own.

Your whole post rings true for me.

My friends didn't appreciate being tied up and ...erm... other stuff

Read alot and retreated alot - studied a crazy amount as I grew up. I knew it was the only way out of the 'home' I lived in.

Aleia wrote:

I've not got SAD but fibromyalgia. I've heard of these special lamps you can buy for SAD I'm not sure if they work or not they are supposed to imitate daylight.

I know a person on my LiveJournal who has SAD that effectively went into remission when they got the ultraviolet light (I think that's what it was) and started using it for 20 minutes / 40 minutes each day during the colder months, or when they sensed it starting. It was really amazing, actually, reading about how it helped. I know it won't be that way for everyone, but hey, it's something I think.

Quote :

I also ended up spending a lot of play time on my own because other children didn't like the games I did, they tended to be quite sexual in nature, due to sexual abuse at a young age.

I didn't really have any 'friends,' but I can relate to this, both in the sorts of thought patterns I had, and also in knowing the kind of games that one of my other family members (who had been assaulted) played when they were my age.

I think it's normal, even though kids usually have such a huge stigma about it.